dj got us falling in love again.

"that which touches the soul/heart is nothing more than a fleeting emotion."

maybe i should just go be a nun. ahhahahahahah.

christopher's 21st celebration yest. combined with karl's. same place as adam's. ahha. but block C#2. had fun deco-ing. tho damn tiring cause i think i'm damn OCD -.-
didn't stay. strange with ryan, jazreel and sabrina around.
but yet i stayed up till 6.30 am aft reaching home at 3 plus :O
sorting out alot of things i havent quite expected to. started off with writing of the msges onto the slips of paper for him to bring to aus. ( lw's idea (y) )
i wrote 17 slips i think. in total. ahhaha. started off as crap, then i started penning down my thoughts.

i'm still wary of the direction i'm going with t1.
afterall, that which touches the soul/heart is nothing more than a fleeting emotion right marcus low? ahhah. i wonder where in the world you had gotten that quote, and how you could stand putting it in your nick for since the start of time. but i seem to understand what it means now. had nvr quite agreed with it until now. random much.

the msges i wrote you. are really heartfelt. hmm. this friendship is worth sacrificing any risks or change in dynamics tt'll be present in a "bgr". nvr quite understood it till now.
we go way back and we have so much history. i just can't see us getting together. hahah. x)
platonic.

i hope what i've written doesnt sound too stupid :/ like the othr time over smses. that was damn stupid but i didn know any othr better way to put across what i wanted to say. or whether i should have in the first place but i've already done so anw. anw, how i've penned it across in words. i hope it doesnt sound too stupid :/
some things are hard to put it words. sounds so stupid. to clearly define things that do not have borders/boundaries/absolute definitions. i don't like it but i can't find a better way to tell you anw.

our frenship. it seems like its sth i hold close to my heart. or so i have come to learn.





t1. you told me i appeared in your dreams! hahaha. there are some things i just wanna tell you, but i can't.
i sat on the train yest on the way back home aft you alighted. and i spent the entire journey cancelling and retyping my msg.
"you make my day no matter how cranky i am in the morning. seeyou on sunday if the run's still on! "
cancel. edit. retype. cancel.
"chng, strange how you make my day no matter how cranky i am in the morning. seeyou on sunday if the run's still on!"
cancel. edit. retype. cancel.
"it's strange how you seem to make my day eventuallly no matter how cranky i am in the morning. seeyou on sunday if the run's still on."

it ended up as
"Thanx for a breakfast full of milk pan love! Hahah."
which im happy cause it conveys what i wanna say basically anw.


i just couldnt send it. doesnt make sense to i guess. even though it came up on my mind the entire day in school while we were tog. kept thinking its like no matter how lousy. cranky. pms-y. im just a freaking rebound kinda feeling why am i talking to you. i get in the morning, you just seem to make my day better one way or another or by just being there and your cheerful self. or how we laugh tog. or how you make me laugh and feel better abt school.
i'm just still worried. skeptical. suspicious. the duration from your breakup. its just not right. you didn seem to have had a proper buffer time. you had came to me for an avenue. an outlet? to talk things out. to HTHT. maybe its just that the cause and conditions had been placed right. it doesn't feel right. i guess time would tell, but i hate it when i say that.yo
 u're so direct. i can't help but react the same way when i know that this. i dunno. i wanna ask you i can't. are you aware that you're rebounding; are you rebounding; are you waiting; have you given yourself buffer time; are you sure; do you know where you're going with this; ARHHH. don't play with my feelings. ahhahaha. even though i know you would nvr. im just not sure if you're aware. but maybe right now i should trust.




i should write you an unposted letter.
but i'm suppose to be doing work -.-
and i hate my post title. hahha

you dreamt me. you were bringing me around your band room which was like a maze with many rooms. 

you make it easy, as easy as onetwo, onetwothreefour

wednesday:
1 x snickers bar from out of nowhere.

thursday. passed like normal.
but we went to macs.

friday. breakfast at holland v. : O


i have you tiao/butterfly/hum ji peng/oily nonsense of similar sort etc craving. heh.
but we're going provenance anw.




interesting. i wonder if this is compromising on studies :(


mr rebound, are you rebounding?
i love that you don't play games though xD
not the games ks seem to play; which are how irritating.
nothing like anything i've ever been through :)


mr rebound. i sigh.



i'm glad i've put certain things like ks in the past -.- i forgot how childish/disrespectful you cud get. 

you smile, i smile.

the song's stuck in my head.
suddenly all the love songs i had heard on radio seem to make sense. HAHHA.

someone with whom i can freely express myself and laugh as much as i want


but when things are too good to be true, they probably are. 

• friday: 3 sets of 5 pullups.

-heh. before you went swimming.

• saturday: spontaneous dim sum buffet. course-of-action-diverted from eating vegan burger @ eunos. couldn't believe mr omnivore wanted to go have vegan burger :D

study at SMU! woaho. nice place. you were troubled and were settling some things over the phone. stayed so late to finish up my chapter i missed my train home.
lucky i still caught 7 to head to gu ma's place x)
you waited which i was kinda touched in a weird way. ahhaha. you were so subtle. i was wondering; you had just let me walk to my bus stop without a second glance.

monday: ya passed me 2 packets of HOR YAN HOR tea (lol!) cause on sun morning i said i felt like i was gonna get a sorethroat
you were troubled by an erroneously sent sms :/
went to mr bean to satisfy soya bean milk craving. wished sth there could hav made you feel better but you were full anyway.

• tuesday : 2 sets of 10 pullups assisted :D

- ran into hui ting who was outside MPSH2 tt morning. was kinda embarassed, wonder if she would think/ felt that anything was unusual.
-you gave me a bunch of banana inflorescence flowers. bunch of 4. haahahh! damn cute lah the effort. tied in orange string which i was so surprised about where in the lab did you manage to get the string from.

super thick haze. you said it was harder to breathe.
i said "sometimes i feel the air is harder to breathe yet its nth to do with the psi! xD you ever get tt?"
wondered what secret you said you wanted to share with me about how you went to look for the string. something abt "will only be there if you look for it"

late at night; you asked if you "had the pleasure of of inviting me to go for a movie with you aft school tmr." hahahhah. omgomg. i couldnt though, sorry for being a wet blanket. but you said no la i am not a wet blanket. hahah. x)
omgomgomg

• wednesday (today): 3 sets of 10! assisted.

-nice.
turns out the secret was about some imagining what you want trick you read from the book the secret.

ate at YIH, super spicy kimchi soup with maggiemee-cheapo-pseudo-ramen. 4.20 bucks.
he had pepper lunch.

watched webcast at s16. hahahah. if i didn get it wrong i thought you faintly said cute. when i kept falling aslp during webcast. xD omgomg.


i wonder if you felt weird when we were on the train.
mm. i have a feeling you were still assessing ks which you seem to have always done so the past 2 times you had met him. but of course it might just be me. just wondering i guess.
my peripheral vision wasnt tt good.

hahah. we make a cute pair cause i find myself being able to express whatever the hell i wanna express. and laughing however much crazymuch i want to laugh, even if its over stupid things.

but when things are too good to be true they probably are. i don't want to be a rebound :/


rebound.rebound.rebound.it rings in my head.


zero-fighting no more pls!

cause i'm in too deep, and i'm trying to keep, up above in my head, instead of going under.

non-stop msges. haah.


i'm just afraid it hardly means anything. if i fall in too deep.








i wanna let go with what i held on to with chris. i just hope he knows. :( 
how.

love love love la la love, la la love. makes the world go round.

hahha. i feel damn happy when i see these people around me being so happily in love. hahha. its like i can feel the happiness of a puppy love relationship and not have to see the sorting out issues part.

the sweet things they do for each other. so subtle but i can't help but smile.
hahah. it feels so innocent.

she wants to use the laptop but would wait because he was plugged into it and asleep.






i kinda just want it to stay that way. my impression of love. sweet and innocent. HAAHH.



really. love is all around in the air nowadays.
it makes me feel less left out that i'm not in one x)

happiness from something as selfless as blind love between two people is contagious.

ohh. today my gut feelings have told me that no we won't get together in the future. nope, you're not considering. its not quite possible. it has like a shoutout. ahhah. when i passed you my shoebag to help me hold. i knew it x)
machiam some kinda trigger point.


which just leaves it that we're good friends:)




my gut feelings have been pretty accurate this month.

ok i take back my words.

i dreamt last night,
that you were waiting to hand me something. and to ask i guess.
it wasn't a good feeling. it was a stressful kinda feeling.
it was like the last time when i actually had - wait until commercial break. it was terrible i really shouldnt have done that. i guess i was avoiding.

i no longer wanna know the answer and i no long wonder.
i'm glad i'm no longer weighing you down x) and that you've moved on:)


t1 once said: there's always this devil inside who would say "yes hold on."




i should stop being a bitch.

i wish you happiness!

you make me smile

ah well. just when i kinda decided to take a step out.
risk abit.
out of my comfort zone...



"too bad, tt was my last attempt"
the exact words.

hahah. guess it kinda sounds like you've given up.
but the 3-days late six-paged developmental report really has taught me a lesson (yes, yes. not like all my previous late reports didn't. but this time is different. )
i really need to be doing my work.
i'm sorry i can't hang out with lah ok. guess if you don't wanna understand i won't try and make you. x)
maybe i shouldnt have suggested asking adam too, but that was what i had felt like doing though. ohwell.
i still havent met adam to talk to him. the longer the duration till that happens, the more things kinda seem slightly different after everyday, from what i originally wanna say. more things to say maybe?

--------

back to the point about it being different.
this time i had the support of a friend. someone i might just call best friend. hahah. :] :]
you make me smile. hahahah. but its not the in love kinda smile i guess. its the i'm so glad you care kinda smile.
first time i've a friend like that i guess.
hahah. your support during that period was incredible. sometimes you didn't do much. just the occasional reminder to take a break. (and buying a piece of chocolate for me here and there xD )
now maybe tts what made a difference. i was so uptight (and upset) about myself not being able to do and submit the report in time. hahha. its not the "jiayou you can do it" kinda support. its the "take a break, you're doing what you can" kinda support :)   
it makes me just wanna do better x)

 i really meant it when i had said she's lucky to have you. hahha. hmm.
tt kinda has occasionally weighed down in my mind. that: hmm. i had said that. but now the two of you are no longer together. does that change things.

BUUT, im thinking too much. x) come'on. i dun wanna be told that i'm just the rebound. i wanna be told that im a treasured friend. not something of convenience.

it bugs me so often. to have sth happen out of convenience. just like the feeling i had first gotten from you chris.

 ------


i've a feeling i've just been placed behind the "just friends" line. hahah. i've noticed that i made the last statement in our conversations and you didn bother replying. hahha. looks like our conversations are about to be cut short.
can't say i feel like i'm missing out though :S

might be a weight lifted. that i might no longer be implicating you if what i feel like doing is to just msg you. not lead you on. just friends ain't so bad! i don't have to worry about what i'm relaying if i do certain things, and thus have to stop myself. tt was the reason why i msged adam randomly instead of you really.

i was just thinking about it. i should concentrate on my studies. its just one more year. i can't keep goign out and having fun all the time. and i just wonder: will you be someone who waits?

wondering just for the fun of it.



---
t1, i really do love you as a friend :] sometimes i feel like conveying it but i stop myself all the time.
or maybe not all. hahah.
but tt occasion was subtle. i was really grateful for your support during the struggling-with-devt-report period. ^^

they tried to make me go to rehab, but i said no no no.

come on man. why are you procastinating. you're not doing honours doesnt mean you don't have to do your assignments. especially when it weighs FIFTEENNNN freaking per cent. crystal where's your single-pointedness!!


i wanna climb/boulder/train.

rar.


you asked me if i have any feelings for him.
i really do hope we meet up in school to talk about it. i need to talk about it. to convey it at least. im not sure if you'll tell him but im thinking you would. so that would be a good thing for him.

i have feelings for him.
but i don't want to go into it knowing that i might hurt him. again. eventually :/
i'm uncertain of a future with him which i can't seem to picture.





its different blogging knowing that its no longer a blog where you know no one would delve into your deepest inner thoughts. if y'all are reading do comment!
i'm thinking my audience probably would only comprise of one :D

when i get to warwick avenue

when i get to warwick avenue

pls drop the past and be true

don't think its ok just because i'm here

you hurt me bad but i won't shed a tear

absolutely love this song




When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you won't step out of line

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don't think we're okay just because I'm here
You hurt me bad, but I won't shed a tear

I'm leaving you for the last time, baby
You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I've been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you're loving, but I want to be free
Baby, you've hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We'll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers; now here's the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I'll tell you, baby, that we're through

I'm leaving you for the last time, baby
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I've been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I want to be free; baby, you've hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wished for better,
But I didn't want the train to come
Now it's departed -- I'm broken hearted,
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn't want the train to come

You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I want to be free.
Baby, you hurt me, you don't love me,
I want to be free; baby, you've hurt me.