my heart is bursting. like a gargantuas starburst.

omgg. you sweep me off my feet.


i dunno what to sayyy.
thanx for the sunflower! xD
simply dumbfounded.
it might not be much but it's got me dumbfounded.




yanning is that you btw? hahhah. don't put anonymous can! scares me much. :X

freefalll

it's amazing. i like the feeling :D






i had no idea how much i had held back was because of you.  x)


i'm always touched that you had once been interested in me though.


now it feels like freefall all the way.
yesterday was a happy day. we talked endlessly. hahah. even at the platform we could have went on. and you were like : "don't tell me now over the platform arh!" when we had been seperated by the railway line at tanah merah :D


i look at you and think: you're the one:]
the one whom i'll let my heart break over.




exams are coming crystal pls study you have less than 2 weeks.

this ain't a love song this is goodbye

we rode in the rain. haaah. mm. romantic? if it had been a love scene it would have been pretty darn romantic. albeit very crazy. but its not. i really didn just wanna "meet below the block" -.- but of all places we chose you picked tt place. sth that i wouldn't forget really. your plan a, plan b, and plan c locations if it had not rained. we still went with it anw.

the jewel box was so nice :O one of the most romantic chill out places i've seen. but of course we weren't going there lah. since i was in slippers especially. you still tell me to wear teeshirt and shorts when you wore berms and loafers. we just hung around. and walked up and down :O cause i felt too awkward if we had just sat down to talk.

i was half holding back with him because i was afraid if i had left anything hanging with you. the "what are you doing crystal" feeling. your blessing had meant so much, i had no idea the extent, nor that i had even been looking for it in the first place. there was a part of me that was holding back because i felt that i had to let you know beforehand. to be fair. so that i won't get nightmares and won't have to worry if you'll be fine.

but you knew! somehow. all along ever since that mambo night when everything transiently met at a crossroad. how embarassing though. i had nooo idea the i had looked that overdressed, and its implications. hmm. ohwell. inthepastinthepast.

but recently you were so nice. and forthcoming. its as though you felt you no longer had anything to lose. i was extremely surprised when you said you were actually at the mrt station. like "pop" there you appeared out of nowhere. and you had waited for like what.. half an hour? deep down i was touched cause i had thought "come'on crystal, you're not that important pls -.-" so  i didn dare suspect anything. i thought you had been out for supper or sth. but your appearance there just proved me wrong just when i was thinking who was i for ppl to do that anyway.

i'm so glad we had that meeting. even though initially i had doubts: ok this talk is not going to work out cause i dun even know how to start. maybe i'll just leave it to AFT you come back.
the procrastination alarms bells rang off; i knew i can't keep putting it off.

its like a knot in my heart that i've released. thanks steph for suggesting that talking face to face really would be better. it indeed is, i feel like i dun even have to pass him the msges anymore. and really certain things i'm just thinking too much:) nvr would have known if i had just passed him the stupid msges and left it as it is.

everything still feels the same between me and you:) just that now i know how to frame what i have between you and me.


___________________



meeting you to study today. x)

and after finding reasons not to like you, yet i think i still do.



saturday 23rd october. huiqi's fabulous hotel suite party.

                                   met you after that. thought you were waiting hahaha but its just that you were still out.
                                   sat and talked about random stuff along the river.
                                   you didn agree it'll be strange to get tog w someone one has
                                   known for so long. but it was subtle and we didn talk about it.
                                  cam whored at the bus stop. when you got too close it wasnt comfortable.
                                
sunday 24th october. nike run. i was late. the run was great.

monday. you bought me warm soya bean milk for reporting stats lecture in the morning. it was a chilly day.
you gave me a lunch box with peanut butter bread in it. would have been a lifesaver had i have had trg tt night.. 

wednesday 27th october. kaya + jam bread. started to think alot about things. something was bothering me and chris was on my mind.

thursday 28th october. steph i think you talked to me. made me feel better. realised what had been bugging me. i felt better that i've decided not to pass the msges to him but to meet him and talk face to face.

friday 29th october. stayed in the school library with you and suping till late to do remote sensing project.
                               it was 10pm plus. said you wanna bring me to have the ee mian, i knew it would be closed anw but you still wanted to give it a shot. we reached at 11 and ended up at chang jiang(?) (below the chinatown central w the famous fishhead.) had fishhead beehoon which was good. and porridge. dinner that night was unintentionally on you it seemed :X had said i'll return you the money on monday cause i had no small change but i forgot when monday came.

saturday 30th october. halloween party. i think i was too sticky cause i kept msging.
you had a sweet tongue that night. over sms. i wasn't quite convinced cause of the way you acted after that when i got into the cab. although it had only been one sms.

words were that easy for you.
i feel that they may not be the truth. words are just words. feels like you had said it just for the sake of saying it.

sunday 31st october. spoke to anh. spoke to brother.
i'm reconsidering my situation, and have decided to not be so gullible.



yesterday. you bought the big fourleaves bread. i hadn't really wanted to eat it but i still took it since you bought 2. wanted to pay you yet you didn want. -.- placed a bottle of 100plus in my bag. but i don't like drinking 100plus :X hahah. so you drank half and more.

-ran on the treadmill at cardio lab. that was quite fun. the lab ppl were uber nice. sharon, jason, zul.

today. you bought a tube of maom sweets. it was in my pencil box. i feel that you've been used to doing these kinda things in the past.

dj got us falling in love again.

"that which touches the soul/heart is nothing more than a fleeting emotion."

maybe i should just go be a nun. ahhahahahahah.

christopher's 21st celebration yest. combined with karl's. same place as adam's. ahha. but block C#2. had fun deco-ing. tho damn tiring cause i think i'm damn OCD -.-
didn't stay. strange with ryan, jazreel and sabrina around.
but yet i stayed up till 6.30 am aft reaching home at 3 plus :O
sorting out alot of things i havent quite expected to. started off with writing of the msges onto the slips of paper for him to bring to aus. ( lw's idea (y) )
i wrote 17 slips i think. in total. ahhaha. started off as crap, then i started penning down my thoughts.

i'm still wary of the direction i'm going with t1.
afterall, that which touches the soul/heart is nothing more than a fleeting emotion right marcus low? ahhah. i wonder where in the world you had gotten that quote, and how you could stand putting it in your nick for since the start of time. but i seem to understand what it means now. had nvr quite agreed with it until now. random much.

the msges i wrote you. are really heartfelt. hmm. this friendship is worth sacrificing any risks or change in dynamics tt'll be present in a "bgr". nvr quite understood it till now.
we go way back and we have so much history. i just can't see us getting together. hahah. x)
platonic.

i hope what i've written doesnt sound too stupid :/ like the othr time over smses. that was damn stupid but i didn know any othr better way to put across what i wanted to say. or whether i should have in the first place but i've already done so anw. anw, how i've penned it across in words. i hope it doesnt sound too stupid :/
some things are hard to put it words. sounds so stupid. to clearly define things that do not have borders/boundaries/absolute definitions. i don't like it but i can't find a better way to tell you anw.

our frenship. it seems like its sth i hold close to my heart. or so i have come to learn.





t1. you told me i appeared in your dreams! hahaha. there are some things i just wanna tell you, but i can't.
i sat on the train yest on the way back home aft you alighted. and i spent the entire journey cancelling and retyping my msg.
"you make my day no matter how cranky i am in the morning. seeyou on sunday if the run's still on! "
cancel. edit. retype. cancel.
"chng, strange how you make my day no matter how cranky i am in the morning. seeyou on sunday if the run's still on!"
cancel. edit. retype. cancel.
"it's strange how you seem to make my day eventuallly no matter how cranky i am in the morning. seeyou on sunday if the run's still on."

it ended up as
"Thanx for a breakfast full of milk pan love! Hahah."
which im happy cause it conveys what i wanna say basically anw.


i just couldnt send it. doesnt make sense to i guess. even though it came up on my mind the entire day in school while we were tog. kept thinking its like no matter how lousy. cranky. pms-y. im just a freaking rebound kinda feeling why am i talking to you. i get in the morning, you just seem to make my day better one way or another or by just being there and your cheerful self. or how we laugh tog. or how you make me laugh and feel better abt school.
i'm just still worried. skeptical. suspicious. the duration from your breakup. its just not right. you didn seem to have had a proper buffer time. you had came to me for an avenue. an outlet? to talk things out. to HTHT. maybe its just that the cause and conditions had been placed right. it doesn't feel right. i guess time would tell, but i hate it when i say that.yo
 u're so direct. i can't help but react the same way when i know that this. i dunno. i wanna ask you i can't. are you aware that you're rebounding; are you rebounding; are you waiting; have you given yourself buffer time; are you sure; do you know where you're going with this; ARHHH. don't play with my feelings. ahhahaha. even though i know you would nvr. im just not sure if you're aware. but maybe right now i should trust.




i should write you an unposted letter.
but i'm suppose to be doing work -.-
and i hate my post title. hahha

you dreamt me. you were bringing me around your band room which was like a maze with many rooms. 

you make it easy, as easy as onetwo, onetwothreefour

wednesday:
1 x snickers bar from out of nowhere.

thursday. passed like normal.
but we went to macs.

friday. breakfast at holland v. : O


i have you tiao/butterfly/hum ji peng/oily nonsense of similar sort etc craving. heh.
but we're going provenance anw.




interesting. i wonder if this is compromising on studies :(


mr rebound, are you rebounding?
i love that you don't play games though xD
not the games ks seem to play; which are how irritating.
nothing like anything i've ever been through :)


mr rebound. i sigh.



i'm glad i've put certain things like ks in the past -.- i forgot how childish/disrespectful you cud get. 

you smile, i smile.

the song's stuck in my head.
suddenly all the love songs i had heard on radio seem to make sense. HAHHA.

someone with whom i can freely express myself and laugh as much as i want


but when things are too good to be true, they probably are. 

• friday: 3 sets of 5 pullups.

-heh. before you went swimming.

• saturday: spontaneous dim sum buffet. course-of-action-diverted from eating vegan burger @ eunos. couldn't believe mr omnivore wanted to go have vegan burger :D

study at SMU! woaho. nice place. you were troubled and were settling some things over the phone. stayed so late to finish up my chapter i missed my train home.
lucky i still caught 7 to head to gu ma's place x)
you waited which i was kinda touched in a weird way. ahhaha. you were so subtle. i was wondering; you had just let me walk to my bus stop without a second glance.

monday: ya passed me 2 packets of HOR YAN HOR tea (lol!) cause on sun morning i said i felt like i was gonna get a sorethroat
you were troubled by an erroneously sent sms :/
went to mr bean to satisfy soya bean milk craving. wished sth there could hav made you feel better but you were full anyway.

• tuesday : 2 sets of 10 pullups assisted :D

- ran into hui ting who was outside MPSH2 tt morning. was kinda embarassed, wonder if she would think/ felt that anything was unusual.
-you gave me a bunch of banana inflorescence flowers. bunch of 4. haahahh! damn cute lah the effort. tied in orange string which i was so surprised about where in the lab did you manage to get the string from.

super thick haze. you said it was harder to breathe.
i said "sometimes i feel the air is harder to breathe yet its nth to do with the psi! xD you ever get tt?"
wondered what secret you said you wanted to share with me about how you went to look for the string. something abt "will only be there if you look for it"

late at night; you asked if you "had the pleasure of of inviting me to go for a movie with you aft school tmr." hahahhah. omgomg. i couldnt though, sorry for being a wet blanket. but you said no la i am not a wet blanket. hahah. x)
omgomgomg

• wednesday (today): 3 sets of 10! assisted.

-nice.
turns out the secret was about some imagining what you want trick you read from the book the secret.

ate at YIH, super spicy kimchi soup with maggiemee-cheapo-pseudo-ramen. 4.20 bucks.
he had pepper lunch.

watched webcast at s16. hahahah. if i didn get it wrong i thought you faintly said cute. when i kept falling aslp during webcast. xD omgomg.


i wonder if you felt weird when we were on the train.
mm. i have a feeling you were still assessing ks which you seem to have always done so the past 2 times you had met him. but of course it might just be me. just wondering i guess.
my peripheral vision wasnt tt good.

hahah. we make a cute pair cause i find myself being able to express whatever the hell i wanna express. and laughing however much crazymuch i want to laugh, even if its over stupid things.

but when things are too good to be true they probably are. i don't want to be a rebound :/


rebound.rebound.rebound.it rings in my head.


zero-fighting no more pls!

cause i'm in too deep, and i'm trying to keep, up above in my head, instead of going under.

non-stop msges. haah.


i'm just afraid it hardly means anything. if i fall in too deep.








i wanna let go with what i held on to with chris. i just hope he knows. :( 
how.

love love love la la love, la la love. makes the world go round.

hahha. i feel damn happy when i see these people around me being so happily in love. hahha. its like i can feel the happiness of a puppy love relationship and not have to see the sorting out issues part.

the sweet things they do for each other. so subtle but i can't help but smile.
hahah. it feels so innocent.

she wants to use the laptop but would wait because he was plugged into it and asleep.






i kinda just want it to stay that way. my impression of love. sweet and innocent. HAAHH.



really. love is all around in the air nowadays.
it makes me feel less left out that i'm not in one x)

happiness from something as selfless as blind love between two people is contagious.

ohh. today my gut feelings have told me that no we won't get together in the future. nope, you're not considering. its not quite possible. it has like a shoutout. ahhah. when i passed you my shoebag to help me hold. i knew it x)
machiam some kinda trigger point.


which just leaves it that we're good friends:)




my gut feelings have been pretty accurate this month.

ok i take back my words.

i dreamt last night,
that you were waiting to hand me something. and to ask i guess.
it wasn't a good feeling. it was a stressful kinda feeling.
it was like the last time when i actually had - wait until commercial break. it was terrible i really shouldnt have done that. i guess i was avoiding.

i no longer wanna know the answer and i no long wonder.
i'm glad i'm no longer weighing you down x) and that you've moved on:)


t1 once said: there's always this devil inside who would say "yes hold on."




i should stop being a bitch.

i wish you happiness!

you make me smile

ah well. just when i kinda decided to take a step out.
risk abit.
out of my comfort zone...



"too bad, tt was my last attempt"
the exact words.

hahah. guess it kinda sounds like you've given up.
but the 3-days late six-paged developmental report really has taught me a lesson (yes, yes. not like all my previous late reports didn't. but this time is different. )
i really need to be doing my work.
i'm sorry i can't hang out with lah ok. guess if you don't wanna understand i won't try and make you. x)
maybe i shouldnt have suggested asking adam too, but that was what i had felt like doing though. ohwell.
i still havent met adam to talk to him. the longer the duration till that happens, the more things kinda seem slightly different after everyday, from what i originally wanna say. more things to say maybe?

--------

back to the point about it being different.
this time i had the support of a friend. someone i might just call best friend. hahah. :] :]
you make me smile. hahahah. but its not the in love kinda smile i guess. its the i'm so glad you care kinda smile.
first time i've a friend like that i guess.
hahah. your support during that period was incredible. sometimes you didn't do much. just the occasional reminder to take a break. (and buying a piece of chocolate for me here and there xD )
now maybe tts what made a difference. i was so uptight (and upset) about myself not being able to do and submit the report in time. hahha. its not the "jiayou you can do it" kinda support. its the "take a break, you're doing what you can" kinda support :)   
it makes me just wanna do better x)

 i really meant it when i had said she's lucky to have you. hahha. hmm.
tt kinda has occasionally weighed down in my mind. that: hmm. i had said that. but now the two of you are no longer together. does that change things.

BUUT, im thinking too much. x) come'on. i dun wanna be told that i'm just the rebound. i wanna be told that im a treasured friend. not something of convenience.

it bugs me so often. to have sth happen out of convenience. just like the feeling i had first gotten from you chris.

 ------


i've a feeling i've just been placed behind the "just friends" line. hahah. i've noticed that i made the last statement in our conversations and you didn bother replying. hahha. looks like our conversations are about to be cut short.
can't say i feel like i'm missing out though :S

might be a weight lifted. that i might no longer be implicating you if what i feel like doing is to just msg you. not lead you on. just friends ain't so bad! i don't have to worry about what i'm relaying if i do certain things, and thus have to stop myself. tt was the reason why i msged adam randomly instead of you really.

i was just thinking about it. i should concentrate on my studies. its just one more year. i can't keep goign out and having fun all the time. and i just wonder: will you be someone who waits?

wondering just for the fun of it.



---
t1, i really do love you as a friend :] sometimes i feel like conveying it but i stop myself all the time.
or maybe not all. hahah.
but tt occasion was subtle. i was really grateful for your support during the struggling-with-devt-report period. ^^

they tried to make me go to rehab, but i said no no no.

come on man. why are you procastinating. you're not doing honours doesnt mean you don't have to do your assignments. especially when it weighs FIFTEENNNN freaking per cent. crystal where's your single-pointedness!!


i wanna climb/boulder/train.

rar.


you asked me if i have any feelings for him.
i really do hope we meet up in school to talk about it. i need to talk about it. to convey it at least. im not sure if you'll tell him but im thinking you would. so that would be a good thing for him.

i have feelings for him.
but i don't want to go into it knowing that i might hurt him. again. eventually :/
i'm uncertain of a future with him which i can't seem to picture.





its different blogging knowing that its no longer a blog where you know no one would delve into your deepest inner thoughts. if y'all are reading do comment!
i'm thinking my audience probably would only comprise of one :D

when i get to warwick avenue

when i get to warwick avenue

pls drop the past and be true

don't think its ok just because i'm here

you hurt me bad but i won't shed a tear

absolutely love this song




When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you won't step out of line

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don't think we're okay just because I'm here
You hurt me bad, but I won't shed a tear

I'm leaving you for the last time, baby
You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I've been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you're loving, but I want to be free
Baby, you've hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We'll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers; now here's the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I'll tell you, baby, that we're through

I'm leaving you for the last time, baby
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I've been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I want to be free; baby, you've hurt me.

All the days spent together
I wished for better,
But I didn't want the train to come
Now it's departed -- I'm broken hearted,
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn't want the train to come

You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I want to be free.
Baby, you hurt me, you don't love me,
I want to be free; baby, you've hurt me. 

you think you're loving but you don't love me

kang sheng its as though you heard me. ahhahah. ok, who am i kidding.

i need to study.

you of all times choose to suddenly share at this time.






you're complex. i had no idea to what extent until now.


t1! why are you treating me so nice. sigh. i look at you and sometimes i feel. that....  ok, what runs through my mind half the time is that im the rebound lah really. i wanna ask you but i dunno how.

some things i feel, really shud just be kept to myself. naive thinking/actions can ruin things?

today's a long day why the hell am i still blogging.

its hard to say i'd rather stay awake when i'm alsp, cause everything is nvr as it seems

crystal. it clearly feels like a rebound and you know it. sigh.

time to put things into proper perspective.

brother says to keep a distance and stop fufilling the rebound girl role. thats generally the idea he's putting across anw. if he's not treating me as rebound he would still show interest even if i stop fufilling that "she's-so-caring" role.

chris is a good friend. can the line be crossed? will that be weird. it feels like it'll end up like sis and kailun. really. he's giving. i'm guilty? really there shud be no feeling of guilt if i were to enter a r/s. but it really kinda feels nice and comfortable. but i clearly know i feel he's a very good friend. so can the line be crossed?

kang sheng is the one with the spark. but i'm just not sure if he's the one if he hadnt showed the interest at certain points of time i felt was significant. everybody i've spoken kinda rules him out. other than kor tt is. he didn't comment at all.

brother says its the chemistry that's the most important. so did peizhi. brother: once you're good friends, there's no more spark.

had a good talk with yuanjing and steph nonetheless. yesterday night. feels like i've been spending too much time thinking about unnecessary things anw!

3rd place btw. for Sim Bouldering Championships 2010.
love it. it brings across a lesson of discipline to me. i need to refocus on studies.

but i can't help but wanna love. but who? its got me confused.

is kangsheng really ruled out because he missed my event. sigh. kang sheng what are you thinking. guess its nth much since you might probably be refocusing on studies.

but if i let you go, i will never know

just had lunch today with christopher! we rode to old airport road to eat some random stuff. the prawn noodles were oily. esp after sitting it on the table for awhile. hahaa. chris ate yu pian mee fen.

i like the randomness though:) wish we cud have caught a movie aft tt. but there're no good shows ( ithink?) and he had F1 standby/official job to attend to.

climbing camp just ended. recess weekkk is here!! yippie.

i wanna lose all that fats around my tummy :( :(
but still i'm eating junk food like chocolates, biscuits, chips, MOOONCAAKE.
i cannot resist :/

anyway kangsheng and i went to basil alcove on friday. 
had bubble tea after that. the one outside mos burger. he likes it alot. ahhah. i thot it was mmm. not too bad lah. i wanna drink koi one day! 
we talked. quite alot. i noticed he drank his cup rather slowly. hahha. or was it just that i was drinking fast. 
we talked alot about everything under the sun. police force stuff. my stuff. studies/future job. my snr. our mutual frens. his frens. stories. family. and he still had drink in his cup.
then he took the train to pasir ris to take a bus to sengkang instead of taking the train to sengkang.. mm. but for all i know the train-bus way may have been more direct.

he accompanied me to shop for my angel-mortal gift too, before we went for bbtea. funny feeling when my shoulder brushed his, and i couldn't help folding my arms in front of myself aft that.

it was a nice dinner though :] i saw his msn nick that night, and i couldnt help just staying as "appear offline" the whole while. it read sth along the lines of: the one i want to protect.. is you.

the next time i saw him online, it read sth along: just the way you are!

his fb status read running away though. on sunday night.

but anw they might not be linked. seriously. there's no evidence that they're of any reference to me. i've learnt my lesson. the hard way. from xingwen.


once bitten twice shy they say.

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it so don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay."


love this qoute from steph's blog! :)
 
after reading her blog, her optimism is contagious. hahha. maybe theres no harm keeping my options open? x)
 
afterall t1 is right, i kinda let my head rule all the time, and keep my heart behind barrier after barrier..

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

now you suddenly ask.
doesn't quite make sense nor feel right.
you couldnt bother to come down from the library to drop by climbNUS.. why now the sudden interest?

it no longer feels like what i want.
things have changed it feels.

the feeling you give me is that of hesitation.




i'm glad i have good friends:) :) :)
for you and you, thanks for the listening ears <3

everyday I love you less and less

and so tuesday is here.

hmm.

I'm holding on because of what I think is there. 

But its not there. 

be it whether it might  have been remotely there in the past or not. certain things feel strange when i think about it. I'm not sure if the lines had already been drawn that we're just friends and always will be just friends. But i'm fine with it:) the conversations we had, i had always thought it felt like there were on the basis of "all we'll ever be are just good friends" anyway. but adam and the othrs seem to have complicated it. whether out of context or making it clearer in context, or blowing certain aspects out of proportion from what there originally were - insignificantly small.

it doesnt matter whether your heart was broken from that 3 times lah. i'm just unsure why it was raised in the first place if it didn matter you know kangsheng.

So i've let it go. 

Cause i know what i'm here for.

And you're not it.

just like how i'm not what you're here for, as you've conveyed.

baby, i'm addicted to you

and so tuesday is here. 

climbNUS was a whole deal of fun. feels great to be a senior :) having control (kinda? just a little for my case lah) and knowing whats going on. seeing nus people of all sorts trying out bouldering for the first time ever~

I WON MY FIRST EVER climbing medal!! woohoo~
but my mistake might have cost me 3rd place instead of 2nd. or maybe not? some room for doubt regarding my number of attempts v.s nadiah's (from SP), since im not sure whats the tabulation. shakashi (from RP)? i think tts the name of the winner..
i was being absolutely blur headed by not using the snake tile. it goes by point system crystal!!
but the prize are about the same anw. the highest value item being the ice watch.
glad i still got to get the orange one in the end :D

new watch for me! :)

4 NW routes + 4 OW routes + 1 superfinals route
it was darn exciting being in the queue to try out OW routes. getting the feel of being where doris, beatrix, janice, uanga and the likes of the othr strong women climbers are :)
and superfinals was the last event after OW, so that kinda made it feel as though its the highlight event of the day :D

Friday:
@ Comex instead of helping pack climbNUS goodie bags in school.
hur.
bought a casio camera [Exifilm] $399 + $48extendedwarranty = $437
i didn buy the canon S95. hmm. ($699)
received free casio watch. bugged that theres only one battery given.
kor bought a plasma TV! for 729? somewhere there.

before that i was @ Chinasquare Central with Teck Chuan. @ Eden Sanctuary Floral Cafe.
Birthday meal! :D ahhahah. happpyyyyy. at least i still got to go SOMEwhere on my birthday week.
what made it happiest was actually the hibiscus cheese filo dessert. ups!
the appetising berry tasting ice cream that tastes like yoghurt ice cream:) with frozen strawberries inside! perfectly matched with the crispy pastry crust layers. sweet and delectable! yums.
the molten chocolate larva cake was just as effing good:)
an absolutely sinful meal. 3 dessert items shared between 2 people.

the comex was quite interesting. in a study of human behavior and interactions kinda way. the comex sales ppl are just obviously looking out for goodlooking people. and its interesting tt it'll always be that some ppl will probably get better deals than others.

i wanna celebrate and live my life. sayin' heyo, baby let's go.

my 21st celebration on the 29th August 2010.

I was once sure I would not be holding a party and inviting everyboddyyyy, i..e. family + friends, to be in the same location at the same time for the sole purpose of celebrating something which might not need that big a blowup; my birthday. All the "trying to be in multiple places at once", not sure I was up for that challenge.

But yuanjing suggested I should just hold a party and invite all my frens! :) she and the others could help me out. This discussion happened over dessert @ udder's held to celebrate yanning's return + belated birthday. and that was, let me try and recall, on the 21st of august - 1 week before the party! hardly a discussion really. it was an IDEA.that was about it.

i was still sure i wouldnt want EVERYBODY who i've known in my entire 21 years of my life to be in the same place at the same time to wait to sing happy birthday to me. so what i had in mind was a "just friends" gathering.

i was so keen on having a bbq, right from the start when i had considered if i wanna hold anything. dad was real against it though. which was probably one of the factors fuelling the tension i felt before i uncontrollably shed tears.

anw! the planning was some degree of fun! :D deciding what food to prepare, to cook, to bring, to eat. yum yum. to bond over. hahah. some of the things on the menu wasn't materialised in the end though.

i realllly do hope at least majority of the ppl who went had enough to eat:D

ppl who went:    TJ climbers!

                         Rickson, Kang Zhuang, Russell, Cheryl :) :)
[ really touched they came down. i had only asked them arnd 2 days before the event. ]

                         YuanJing, Yanning, Angelina, Desiree, Huiqi

[ really just love them to BITS. really wished anh could have been there too.

yuanjing and yanning are absolute darlings. they helped me to skewer the chicken kebabs! :)

angel got balloons for me! which i have absolutely grown to love the big still-taunt helium one that says "21" three times over it. <3

the smaller ones turned flaccid in the most 2 days time.. filled with love nonetheless.

Peizhi couldn make it but she had one delivered to my place.(my first ever official deliveryman gift delivery) ]

                           KangSheng, Christopher, Choon Wei, Adam, Karl

[a pity the girls couldn make it. and i got teased that I hailed from an all-boys secondary school! -.-

they came early to help me out! what i had asked was for them to help carry the drinks.. guess they didnt see it coming that they had to help start up the fire and charcoal set-up. opps.

kangsheng helped out alot. not sure if its only because he likes bbqs like he said.

yuanjing was talking to chris, adam and karl - she said they said it was mutual b/w me and him.

that kinda stirred up some stuff. things nearly got out of hand really. can't imagine what might have happened if we actually held a conversation over the phone the night after.

was it a good thing or not that the house phone was freaking faulty?

karl happened to have his X-mini speaker with him. i feel its a pity i couldnt play the playlist i had gone through so much effort to get from marisa. but not that anyone missed out anw:) ]

                            Uni Friends: t1, yanni, t2, kenny, li en, su ping. iris and ricky <- who came late but still came down!:)

 things that happened for the bbq in a timeline that runs backwards:

ran around eastpoint right before the event to:

buy bread from cheers; wanted to get First Choice brand but there wasn't any.

look for a styrofoam box to put my ice and drinks. can't help feeling ABSolutely fortunate that the florist gave me hers, and it happened to not have any holes in it. she said her boxes always had!

buy ice from NTUC

check the price of ice at 7-11 with t1 & yanni:)

unload things from angel's car with yanning, yj, angel! the guys came over to help carry the stuff.

angel came with balloons, she drove ovr even aft she had already parked at modena! hahah.

put on make-up, decide what to wear, bath.

wanted to put on falsies! but no eyelash glue!! rarrr.

yanning came over. and joined yuanjing to help skewer green marinade chicken kebabs!

yuanjing brought eyelash curler to lend me:)

peizhi's balloon arrived?

yuanjing was first to come!

peeled 1.5 kg of grey prawns!

degut 1 KG OF SOTONG! :D

washhhhh all the prawns and trim off the feelers & sharp potrusion on its head

BARE-hand picked 1.5 kg of grey prawns and 0.5 kg of tiger prawns (which i didn try! sigh.) and 1 kg of sotong. [ hard-core or what!! hahah. i spent the MOST time at the seafood counter among all the other customers. that includes another psychotic looking woman who put in even more effort to choose her grey prawns than me. it involved ignoring my qn of how she picked her prawns as well. ]

buy paprika powder.

the day before: i went to shengshiong with kor and yanning. after training in sch @ nus - which also involved me nearly pulling out my hair trying to set up a connection to get songs from mar's laptop. resorted to trad. thumbdrive.

bought pork ribs! 3 racks. pork belly, 2 packets. and a whole bunch of other stuff i can't rmb. we saw so many bizarre things. i was horrified they sold live turtles :( :(

THE BBQ:

i spent so much time running around i'm not too sure what exactly was happenign. HAHHAH.

ahwell. its a memorable night.

particularly because of certain things i thought i had learned.

and of course learning how much my friends love me reallyyyyyy draws me closer to them. - be it just turning up, or having left a VERY lasting impression by going the distance to help me out with the event.

kor helped me out so much! the support. the feelign is incredible :) the brother who use to bully me and not give a shit. (hahahah! but yest he still did shut off the com while i was in the midst of checking the last few nusclimb emails -.- )

leroy was such a great help too. and i love jie! hahah. no matter what she does:D

yj: "they said he asked you out 3 times but you didn go. so when you asked the 4th time he said no"

i was devastated. because was this really a guy who cares/had cared? but now is too disappointed to hold on?

but hey, if things were to be this way. and if really 3 times is all you bother to try. the thing is that i had not intentionally turned you down because i could not imagine spending time alone with you.

there was that occasion i had waited at the platform for you to reply! 15 mins? maybe i should have called. you didnt either. can't recall what exactly happened anw.

i can't rmb what the other 2 times were. was it there was once that you said "spontaneity is dead" after? i did offer to meet at starbucks. was that another one of the 3 times?

why do i feel so inclined to apologise right at this moment. to apologise to you, kangsheng. nobody else but you. is it because i feel the need to protect aft the feelings you've been through for jiaxin. the thing is i really don't know how much of a player are you? (if you are.) which might have been why i hadnt "risked", and could only wonder why had you suddenly drawn yourself to me by sms-ing me more often. was i just simply one of your shoot-and-see-if-it-hits "targets". or am i feeling apologetic because i have thought of you that way, when all you simply did was care. (judging from what i learnt during the bbq) or am i apologising because i did not accept the times when you asked whether i could meet up.

i have ALWAYS been skeptical of people. when i feel that is there a possiblilty that they like me? - not out of convenience? or that they may be interested in me - not just trying for the fun of playing with my feelings? the barrier i have placed around my heart is thick. or maybe my heart. is non-existant.  - is that why i find that i don't place them in guys; and therefore i don't get any of the zzt zzt feelings. I've learnt this in Dynamics of interpersonal skills! ahhaha. the different types of love!! definately not eros, or ludic. or maniac. its the pragmatic kind.

but kenny, you use to give me the zzt zzt feeling. but it wasnt a love a first sight. i have nvr experienced that! its always a step too late when i reciprocate feelings of attraction. it happened with xingwen at least.

won't yall just give me some time? i can't help but apologise for taking longer than what might be considered courteous. but that's just the way I am and maybe i shouldn't apologise. I'm more aware now at least! the game of courtship. now that I'm 21 already. ahahha!

won't you wait for me? i'm not doing it intentionally to test you. i need time to discover more about myself about you.

am i already falling deeper? :)

if it were to not work out, i'm glad i tried.

or is it that i only like them when they have pulled away?

you need to be quicker next time crystal! xD

BEL. there's this thing about bel too. ahhahah. i dunno. i thought there was something when he passed me the climbers' gifts for me.

but kangsheng, out of the corner of my eye, i caught that look in your eye. it was a look of sadness. of deep thoughts running through your head. more than once, when i was talking to kenny and the others, and when i was talking to bel/ the climbers. you were looking at me, and there was sadness when you looked away.

i need to stop saying that i dunno. its about being aware of my surrondings and ppl's feelings.

tuesday has yet to come! ><

in my phone call, i wanted to say i like you. but i have no guts to call anymore. i'll just see what happens in its place. is there a natural run of events to happen in its place?

or have you already pulled away? ><

the seven things i hate about you

don't push it lah. hahah. if its not meant to be, i don't want to end up like Charisse in the Time Traveller's Wife. - Married to a man who's forever in love with a good friend who's not in love with him.

who's to say it is not just the case with him right now?

right now i can only wonder if its possible he will no longer think of her. be it in the present, or in the future.



or should i relate it to me and he-who-i-use-to-like?
but the scenario is not as analogous in many ways.

how far do i go?

im not sure what i did. the impact of what i've done. what's happening. what're you thinking. you didnt ask either so is that it? that's it? finito?

i can't help but feel sad. in a very strange way. i wish we were still talking? so i can figure things out.

i have no idea where i stand, so where do i go? yes, no, stay away?

how do i find the answer to how far do i go.



i feel strange. i wished you asked why, or what was it i wanted to call about. but you didn't so i really dunno how far should i go to find out why.



"to love is to risk"






and i've nvr done that before. won't someone tell me how.

lunch on tuesday? maybe i should. afterall its only just a risk. that's only if lipeng doesnt agree on lunch on tuesday.. hmm. maybe i take things too easy, and i have to change if i want to hold on to things before it slips away.

platonic friendships

sadded. theres a limit to how far platonic relationships can go? hahah. seriously?

steph's and yt's really is an exception. i.e. very special case. ahhah. seems like a natural cause of action that they would eventually get together, but i guess yt doesn't want although he wants to enjoy steph's company beyond that of normal friends.

t1 is probably feeling strange that i'm roping him to help me contact the others for my 21st birthday get-together. sadded. hey come'on. just a friend without unlimited smses asking for a favour what. but better not go too far/ask too much i guess x)

sigh.

really t1, i'm just your platonic friend.

when birthdays are suppose to be a joyous thing.

fuck. why am i crying.

i said if crying makes me feel better, i wouldnt beat myself up for crying at all.

but i'm still crying. theres this point in time when crying no longer feels like a release. but after a while it just feels like pure weakness when the tears are no longer in your control.

big time wake up call. this energy you want to hold on to now and forever.

Today is a major wake up call for you CRYSTAL!!

what have you been doing? feelings of uncertainty has gotten you nowhere.

it feels like a kick in the ass. pushed out of my shelter and cocoon. I wanna remember this feeling right here, right now.
i wanna harness this momentum to keep moving on till i get there to the next stage!! before i rot and die a novice weakling who finds herself giving up/letting go more than pushing on.

PUSHING ONN, HOLDING THE NEXT TILE, WORKING YOUR BRAINNN TO FIGURE THE NEXT MOVE. it felt good. i cud hold on if i want to. next up is getting myself to do it. this is it.

this energy, it feels enough to want to self mutilate. perhaps its this feeling that i've been abandoned and i'm on my own. i dun have to account to ANYBODY, but myself.



it first hit me like a feeling of abandonment. then he has given up teaching/coaching me -- i've been banished! out of his "family"

never have i felt this energy coursing through my system - to push myself.

of course reality is only so much as we perceive it to be.

when training ended, the release of emotion felt great. Hien was more than i thought:)


Crystal, you're on your own, and you wanna get there.

pls remember this multitude of feelings right here and now, what you're feeling, and this energy that is bursting out. its like a pin. focus it and it'll be able to penetrate and execute!


to burst into the butterfly before you wither and die.