you think you're loving but you don't love me

kang sheng its as though you heard me. ahhahah. ok, who am i kidding.

i need to study.

you of all times choose to suddenly share at this time.






you're complex. i had no idea to what extent until now.


t1! why are you treating me so nice. sigh. i look at you and sometimes i feel. that....  ok, what runs through my mind half the time is that im the rebound lah really. i wanna ask you but i dunno how.

some things i feel, really shud just be kept to myself. naive thinking/actions can ruin things?

today's a long day why the hell am i still blogging.

its hard to say i'd rather stay awake when i'm alsp, cause everything is nvr as it seems

crystal. it clearly feels like a rebound and you know it. sigh.

time to put things into proper perspective.

brother says to keep a distance and stop fufilling the rebound girl role. thats generally the idea he's putting across anw. if he's not treating me as rebound he would still show interest even if i stop fufilling that "she's-so-caring" role.

chris is a good friend. can the line be crossed? will that be weird. it feels like it'll end up like sis and kailun. really. he's giving. i'm guilty? really there shud be no feeling of guilt if i were to enter a r/s. but it really kinda feels nice and comfortable. but i clearly know i feel he's a very good friend. so can the line be crossed?

kang sheng is the one with the spark. but i'm just not sure if he's the one if he hadnt showed the interest at certain points of time i felt was significant. everybody i've spoken kinda rules him out. other than kor tt is. he didn't comment at all.

brother says its the chemistry that's the most important. so did peizhi. brother: once you're good friends, there's no more spark.

had a good talk with yuanjing and steph nonetheless. yesterday night. feels like i've been spending too much time thinking about unnecessary things anw!

3rd place btw. for Sim Bouldering Championships 2010.
love it. it brings across a lesson of discipline to me. i need to refocus on studies.

but i can't help but wanna love. but who? its got me confused.

is kangsheng really ruled out because he missed my event. sigh. kang sheng what are you thinking. guess its nth much since you might probably be refocusing on studies.

but if i let you go, i will never know

just had lunch today with christopher! we rode to old airport road to eat some random stuff. the prawn noodles were oily. esp after sitting it on the table for awhile. hahaa. chris ate yu pian mee fen.

i like the randomness though:) wish we cud have caught a movie aft tt. but there're no good shows ( ithink?) and he had F1 standby/official job to attend to.

climbing camp just ended. recess weekkk is here!! yippie.

i wanna lose all that fats around my tummy :( :(
but still i'm eating junk food like chocolates, biscuits, chips, MOOONCAAKE.
i cannot resist :/

anyway kangsheng and i went to basil alcove on friday. 
had bubble tea after that. the one outside mos burger. he likes it alot. ahhah. i thot it was mmm. not too bad lah. i wanna drink koi one day! 
we talked. quite alot. i noticed he drank his cup rather slowly. hahha. or was it just that i was drinking fast. 
we talked alot about everything under the sun. police force stuff. my stuff. studies/future job. my snr. our mutual frens. his frens. stories. family. and he still had drink in his cup.
then he took the train to pasir ris to take a bus to sengkang instead of taking the train to sengkang.. mm. but for all i know the train-bus way may have been more direct.

he accompanied me to shop for my angel-mortal gift too, before we went for bbtea. funny feeling when my shoulder brushed his, and i couldn't help folding my arms in front of myself aft that.

it was a nice dinner though :] i saw his msn nick that night, and i couldnt help just staying as "appear offline" the whole while. it read sth along the lines of: the one i want to protect.. is you.

the next time i saw him online, it read sth along: just the way you are!

his fb status read running away though. on sunday night.

but anw they might not be linked. seriously. there's no evidence that they're of any reference to me. i've learnt my lesson. the hard way. from xingwen.


once bitten twice shy they say.

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it so don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay."


love this qoute from steph's blog! :)
 
after reading her blog, her optimism is contagious. hahha. maybe theres no harm keeping my options open? x)
 
afterall t1 is right, i kinda let my head rule all the time, and keep my heart behind barrier after barrier..

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

now you suddenly ask.
doesn't quite make sense nor feel right.
you couldnt bother to come down from the library to drop by climbNUS.. why now the sudden interest?

it no longer feels like what i want.
things have changed it feels.

the feeling you give me is that of hesitation.




i'm glad i have good friends:) :) :)
for you and you, thanks for the listening ears <3

everyday I love you less and less

and so tuesday is here.

hmm.

I'm holding on because of what I think is there. 

But its not there. 

be it whether it might  have been remotely there in the past or not. certain things feel strange when i think about it. I'm not sure if the lines had already been drawn that we're just friends and always will be just friends. But i'm fine with it:) the conversations we had, i had always thought it felt like there were on the basis of "all we'll ever be are just good friends" anyway. but adam and the othrs seem to have complicated it. whether out of context or making it clearer in context, or blowing certain aspects out of proportion from what there originally were - insignificantly small.

it doesnt matter whether your heart was broken from that 3 times lah. i'm just unsure why it was raised in the first place if it didn matter you know kangsheng.

So i've let it go. 

Cause i know what i'm here for.

And you're not it.

just like how i'm not what you're here for, as you've conveyed.

baby, i'm addicted to you

and so tuesday is here. 

climbNUS was a whole deal of fun. feels great to be a senior :) having control (kinda? just a little for my case lah) and knowing whats going on. seeing nus people of all sorts trying out bouldering for the first time ever~

I WON MY FIRST EVER climbing medal!! woohoo~
but my mistake might have cost me 3rd place instead of 2nd. or maybe not? some room for doubt regarding my number of attempts v.s nadiah's (from SP), since im not sure whats the tabulation. shakashi (from RP)? i think tts the name of the winner..
i was being absolutely blur headed by not using the snake tile. it goes by point system crystal!!
but the prize are about the same anw. the highest value item being the ice watch.
glad i still got to get the orange one in the end :D

new watch for me! :)

4 NW routes + 4 OW routes + 1 superfinals route
it was darn exciting being in the queue to try out OW routes. getting the feel of being where doris, beatrix, janice, uanga and the likes of the othr strong women climbers are :)
and superfinals was the last event after OW, so that kinda made it feel as though its the highlight event of the day :D

Friday:
@ Comex instead of helping pack climbNUS goodie bags in school.
hur.
bought a casio camera [Exifilm] $399 + $48extendedwarranty = $437
i didn buy the canon S95. hmm. ($699)
received free casio watch. bugged that theres only one battery given.
kor bought a plasma TV! for 729? somewhere there.

before that i was @ Chinasquare Central with Teck Chuan. @ Eden Sanctuary Floral Cafe.
Birthday meal! :D ahhahah. happpyyyyy. at least i still got to go SOMEwhere on my birthday week.
what made it happiest was actually the hibiscus cheese filo dessert. ups!
the appetising berry tasting ice cream that tastes like yoghurt ice cream:) with frozen strawberries inside! perfectly matched with the crispy pastry crust layers. sweet and delectable! yums.
the molten chocolate larva cake was just as effing good:)
an absolutely sinful meal. 3 dessert items shared between 2 people.

the comex was quite interesting. in a study of human behavior and interactions kinda way. the comex sales ppl are just obviously looking out for goodlooking people. and its interesting tt it'll always be that some ppl will probably get better deals than others.

i wanna celebrate and live my life. sayin' heyo, baby let's go.

my 21st celebration on the 29th August 2010.

I was once sure I would not be holding a party and inviting everyboddyyyy, i..e. family + friends, to be in the same location at the same time for the sole purpose of celebrating something which might not need that big a blowup; my birthday. All the "trying to be in multiple places at once", not sure I was up for that challenge.

But yuanjing suggested I should just hold a party and invite all my frens! :) she and the others could help me out. This discussion happened over dessert @ udder's held to celebrate yanning's return + belated birthday. and that was, let me try and recall, on the 21st of august - 1 week before the party! hardly a discussion really. it was an IDEA.that was about it.

i was still sure i wouldnt want EVERYBODY who i've known in my entire 21 years of my life to be in the same place at the same time to wait to sing happy birthday to me. so what i had in mind was a "just friends" gathering.

i was so keen on having a bbq, right from the start when i had considered if i wanna hold anything. dad was real against it though. which was probably one of the factors fuelling the tension i felt before i uncontrollably shed tears.

anw! the planning was some degree of fun! :D deciding what food to prepare, to cook, to bring, to eat. yum yum. to bond over. hahah. some of the things on the menu wasn't materialised in the end though.

i realllly do hope at least majority of the ppl who went had enough to eat:D

ppl who went:    TJ climbers!

                         Rickson, Kang Zhuang, Russell, Cheryl :) :)
[ really touched they came down. i had only asked them arnd 2 days before the event. ]

                         YuanJing, Yanning, Angelina, Desiree, Huiqi

[ really just love them to BITS. really wished anh could have been there too.

yuanjing and yanning are absolute darlings. they helped me to skewer the chicken kebabs! :)

angel got balloons for me! which i have absolutely grown to love the big still-taunt helium one that says "21" three times over it. <3

the smaller ones turned flaccid in the most 2 days time.. filled with love nonetheless.

Peizhi couldn make it but she had one delivered to my place.(my first ever official deliveryman gift delivery) ]

                           KangSheng, Christopher, Choon Wei, Adam, Karl

[a pity the girls couldn make it. and i got teased that I hailed from an all-boys secondary school! -.-

they came early to help me out! what i had asked was for them to help carry the drinks.. guess they didnt see it coming that they had to help start up the fire and charcoal set-up. opps.

kangsheng helped out alot. not sure if its only because he likes bbqs like he said.

yuanjing was talking to chris, adam and karl - she said they said it was mutual b/w me and him.

that kinda stirred up some stuff. things nearly got out of hand really. can't imagine what might have happened if we actually held a conversation over the phone the night after.

was it a good thing or not that the house phone was freaking faulty?

karl happened to have his X-mini speaker with him. i feel its a pity i couldnt play the playlist i had gone through so much effort to get from marisa. but not that anyone missed out anw:) ]

                            Uni Friends: t1, yanni, t2, kenny, li en, su ping. iris and ricky <- who came late but still came down!:)

 things that happened for the bbq in a timeline that runs backwards:

ran around eastpoint right before the event to:

buy bread from cheers; wanted to get First Choice brand but there wasn't any.

look for a styrofoam box to put my ice and drinks. can't help feeling ABSolutely fortunate that the florist gave me hers, and it happened to not have any holes in it. she said her boxes always had!

buy ice from NTUC

check the price of ice at 7-11 with t1 & yanni:)

unload things from angel's car with yanning, yj, angel! the guys came over to help carry the stuff.

angel came with balloons, she drove ovr even aft she had already parked at modena! hahah.

put on make-up, decide what to wear, bath.

wanted to put on falsies! but no eyelash glue!! rarrr.

yanning came over. and joined yuanjing to help skewer green marinade chicken kebabs!

yuanjing brought eyelash curler to lend me:)

peizhi's balloon arrived?

yuanjing was first to come!

peeled 1.5 kg of grey prawns!

degut 1 KG OF SOTONG! :D

washhhhh all the prawns and trim off the feelers & sharp potrusion on its head

BARE-hand picked 1.5 kg of grey prawns and 0.5 kg of tiger prawns (which i didn try! sigh.) and 1 kg of sotong. [ hard-core or what!! hahah. i spent the MOST time at the seafood counter among all the other customers. that includes another psychotic looking woman who put in even more effort to choose her grey prawns than me. it involved ignoring my qn of how she picked her prawns as well. ]

buy paprika powder.

the day before: i went to shengshiong with kor and yanning. after training in sch @ nus - which also involved me nearly pulling out my hair trying to set up a connection to get songs from mar's laptop. resorted to trad. thumbdrive.

bought pork ribs! 3 racks. pork belly, 2 packets. and a whole bunch of other stuff i can't rmb. we saw so many bizarre things. i was horrified they sold live turtles :( :(

THE BBQ:

i spent so much time running around i'm not too sure what exactly was happenign. HAHHAH.

ahwell. its a memorable night.

particularly because of certain things i thought i had learned.

and of course learning how much my friends love me reallyyyyyy draws me closer to them. - be it just turning up, or having left a VERY lasting impression by going the distance to help me out with the event.

kor helped me out so much! the support. the feelign is incredible :) the brother who use to bully me and not give a shit. (hahahah! but yest he still did shut off the com while i was in the midst of checking the last few nusclimb emails -.- )

leroy was such a great help too. and i love jie! hahah. no matter what she does:D

yj: "they said he asked you out 3 times but you didn go. so when you asked the 4th time he said no"

i was devastated. because was this really a guy who cares/had cared? but now is too disappointed to hold on?

but hey, if things were to be this way. and if really 3 times is all you bother to try. the thing is that i had not intentionally turned you down because i could not imagine spending time alone with you.

there was that occasion i had waited at the platform for you to reply! 15 mins? maybe i should have called. you didnt either. can't recall what exactly happened anw.

i can't rmb what the other 2 times were. was it there was once that you said "spontaneity is dead" after? i did offer to meet at starbucks. was that another one of the 3 times?

why do i feel so inclined to apologise right at this moment. to apologise to you, kangsheng. nobody else but you. is it because i feel the need to protect aft the feelings you've been through for jiaxin. the thing is i really don't know how much of a player are you? (if you are.) which might have been why i hadnt "risked", and could only wonder why had you suddenly drawn yourself to me by sms-ing me more often. was i just simply one of your shoot-and-see-if-it-hits "targets". or am i feeling apologetic because i have thought of you that way, when all you simply did was care. (judging from what i learnt during the bbq) or am i apologising because i did not accept the times when you asked whether i could meet up.

i have ALWAYS been skeptical of people. when i feel that is there a possiblilty that they like me? - not out of convenience? or that they may be interested in me - not just trying for the fun of playing with my feelings? the barrier i have placed around my heart is thick. or maybe my heart. is non-existant.  - is that why i find that i don't place them in guys; and therefore i don't get any of the zzt zzt feelings. I've learnt this in Dynamics of interpersonal skills! ahhaha. the different types of love!! definately not eros, or ludic. or maniac. its the pragmatic kind.

but kenny, you use to give me the zzt zzt feeling. but it wasnt a love a first sight. i have nvr experienced that! its always a step too late when i reciprocate feelings of attraction. it happened with xingwen at least.

won't yall just give me some time? i can't help but apologise for taking longer than what might be considered courteous. but that's just the way I am and maybe i shouldn't apologise. I'm more aware now at least! the game of courtship. now that I'm 21 already. ahahha!

won't you wait for me? i'm not doing it intentionally to test you. i need time to discover more about myself about you.

am i already falling deeper? :)

if it were to not work out, i'm glad i tried.

or is it that i only like them when they have pulled away?

you need to be quicker next time crystal! xD

BEL. there's this thing about bel too. ahhahah. i dunno. i thought there was something when he passed me the climbers' gifts for me.

but kangsheng, out of the corner of my eye, i caught that look in your eye. it was a look of sadness. of deep thoughts running through your head. more than once, when i was talking to kenny and the others, and when i was talking to bel/ the climbers. you were looking at me, and there was sadness when you looked away.

i need to stop saying that i dunno. its about being aware of my surrondings and ppl's feelings.

tuesday has yet to come! ><

in my phone call, i wanted to say i like you. but i have no guts to call anymore. i'll just see what happens in its place. is there a natural run of events to happen in its place?

or have you already pulled away? ><

the seven things i hate about you

don't push it lah. hahah. if its not meant to be, i don't want to end up like Charisse in the Time Traveller's Wife. - Married to a man who's forever in love with a good friend who's not in love with him.

who's to say it is not just the case with him right now?

right now i can only wonder if its possible he will no longer think of her. be it in the present, or in the future.



or should i relate it to me and he-who-i-use-to-like?
but the scenario is not as analogous in many ways.

how far do i go?

im not sure what i did. the impact of what i've done. what's happening. what're you thinking. you didnt ask either so is that it? that's it? finito?

i can't help but feel sad. in a very strange way. i wish we were still talking? so i can figure things out.

i have no idea where i stand, so where do i go? yes, no, stay away?

how do i find the answer to how far do i go.



i feel strange. i wished you asked why, or what was it i wanted to call about. but you didn't so i really dunno how far should i go to find out why.



"to love is to risk"






and i've nvr done that before. won't someone tell me how.

lunch on tuesday? maybe i should. afterall its only just a risk. that's only if lipeng doesnt agree on lunch on tuesday.. hmm. maybe i take things too easy, and i have to change if i want to hold on to things before it slips away.